Alone
A momentary frisson of naughtiness accompanied my cavalier ignorance of the sink full of washing up last night. I went to bed while it was still light, eating my Ubered dinner in bed, a teatowel serving as a napkin, watching silly comedies on streaming services, firmly pushing down twinges of empty longing for someone to laugh with and eat with. The joys of living alone …..
This morning as I woke, the familiar wave of loneliness and despair about the future sent me into a black hole. Coffee and playing the morning word games with old and dear friends on the internet lifted me, the act of communication is cheering. My dark mood beginning to shift, I turned to the socials – my twitter tribe was ablaze with witty memes and salty comments, facebook yielded some happy news from very old friends. Posters on Instagram were in particularly good form this morning. News services delivered good news from the US, home and Ukraine. An email from my cancer team delivered wonderful and encouraging news – prompting another twinge of longing for a companion to share it with. I settled for messaging my son, across the world in the US.
Maybe the world isn’t so bad after all I thought as I climbed out of bed, ignoring the dirty dishes in favour of watering the garden – because I can.
I enjoyed the meditative movement of the water as I slowly moved around my tiny garden, talking to the plants and my dog, sadly they didn’t talk back, but I live in hope. As I moved the hose back and forth, I mused on the propensity of some media commentators to disparage social media – ‘a cesspit, a sewer’ they call it ‘it’s destroying our society’. Where would I be without it? Probably still at the bottom of that black hole. I can’t be the only one to feel like this?
Later today I’ll seek out some human real-life contact – maybe go to the pub for dinner, or to the dog park. It’s not my old life with family, but It’s not so bad, better than it was at the beginning. I enjoy the freedom …I think… maybe… sometimes. I’ll probably wash the dishes and cook a meal for myself this evening – if I feel like it that is.